Augustus Newsus

8 08 2010

Sooooo…it’s August now and i’ve not blogged in a while so here is what could possibly be my last blog as a 19 year old because this is the month i turn into a 20 yesar old and cease being a teenager.

I think that i do use the excuse of being a teenager alot to do stupid things and be immature occasionally. When i become 20 and am no longer a teenager, i’m presuming i will have to be more mature and become mature over night…i’m guessing that instead of laying in bed on my laptop and be on sky sports news on my laptop, i will wake up at 8 am, ask “mama” and “papa” for a cup of decaffeinated coffee and sit in bed reading a copy of the Guardian with a monacle in one eye whilst wearing a bowler hat.

I realise that to me, mature is effectively a 1950’s married father of two at home in the morning prior to his days proceedings.

My birthday is the 27th August – remember it.

Anyhow….

I went on holiday to Israel. A holiday made on a spontaneous decision. Basically, my cousin from South Africa, Daniel, had his flight from London to Israel delayed so i picked him up in the morning so he would not have to wait around the airport all day. We said we would drop him back to Heathrow at 6.30 in the evening. Anyhow, my dad got home at 5 and said to me “how do you fancy going to Israel with Daniel?”…my reply was “that’s not possible is it?”…turns out it was possible as turns out 10 minutes i was booked on the same flight and only had an hour to pack my suitcase and find all my stuff. And that is how i ended up spending a week in Israel with my cousin Daniel to see more family.

When i came home from my lovely, blissful holiday..it turns out my social scene turned into a shite episode of the Jeremy Kyle show….everyone was apparently argueing with each other and there were divisions and so on….me, i couldn’t give a monkeys and decided im sitting on the fence and seeing who i want to see whenever i choose to see them. So anyhow, a week or two on, everyone is now friendly with who they want but the group im friends with seems to be one again. I’m currently typing this in the presencde of a few of my friends who have requested they have a specific mention. So … here it goes….

PETER RUGMAN – LUCY SHARPE – EMMA rachel BRILL – JEMMA SELWYN

After reading this and knowing they can Google their names and this will come up probably, they should sleep well tonight 😛

Thats’s all for now…

and remember –

 “a day without laughter is a day wasted” – Charlie Chaplin





Guess Who’s Back……..

27 04 2010

I have finally managed to get in to my Blogger account after a few months in the cyber-wilderness and can now continue to write my fookin brilliant blogs which you lot tend to read for some reason or another, perhaps cause i’m awesome but whatever reason, i thank you greatly.

So, since my last blog, what have i been up to…quite a lot when i wrote it down. So I thought to myself, nobody’s going to want to read a long blog that looks like all text, so i thought i would add some pictures and videos to help make it look a little more eye catching at the very least. That way it’s still the long blog with lots of paragraphs but it looks pretty.
OK….so…firstly…I don’t think i put on my blog about my trip to Birmingham at the end of February, so here it is…Birmingham is awesome! I love Vodbull and whoever’s idea it was to put Oceana in Birmingham on one floor was genuis, however, there was a lot of foot traffic which made getting away that much harder and even getting to the bar was like being at a concert! Pushing and shoving everywhere…even bumped in to people from university’s Birmingham and it was insane…pictures are on my Facebook, link is here. I saw loads of my current friends and even made a couple of new ones..always a bonus. 
I saw the Cadbury’s factory in Bourneville (yes there is an actual place called Bourneville like the chocolate!) and couldn’t get in, so bought Cadbury’s chocolate from a Co-Op on the way back so that it gave the impression I got in…I went on this mini visit with Charlotte Abrahams who I know will probably be reading this and I know she would be upset if i didn’t mention her.
Also as a side note : – “She was pretty hot”…(Private Joke…don’t worry if you don’t get it.)
Proof of the existence of a place named Bourneville in Birmingham

In other news, I have a new car! This is my third car this year, well, my 3rd car since February even! I originally in February managed to change cars from a Fiat Punto to a Ford Focus, it was beautiful….but it was not in as good as condition as advertised so we got our money back and I went back to the Punto.
But then…I got my new car. It is a beautiful Black Vauxhall Corsa. It has sexy seats and an arousing overall interior and is orgasmic to drive. This car is so awesome and such a nice step up from the Fiat Punto I had, I
get a little bit excited when i even mention it. It’s name… Ashmobile 3…Now I know Ashmobile 3 sounds like a really shite movie sequel but it is a great follow up from Ashmobile 2 and was better than the original Ashmobile. Here’s a picture of my car below.
Ashmobile 3…and this time, it’s personal!

Next up, here’s an article about a man who was not allowed to take a picture of his son on a ride in a shopping centre, in case he was a paedophile….check this one out!
Another story that caught my attention involved Mr Deal or No Deal himself. Noel Edmonds has devised a TV game show where the quiz master or something or other is……..a monkey. Don’t beleive me? Here’s the proof below.
This would not be the first time in TV history where a monkey has been the quiz master to a TV show.
Chris Tarrant is a Monkey

Now, back to my favourite subject…Me!
I am going to be changing subject at university and have enquired in to different subjects and hopefully all will be sorted within the next fortnight. 
Also, had a great Easter holidays, saw loads of people who came back from university and broke up from school, college and whatever. Went to Watford for 3 weeks in a  row. Went 3 consecutive Mondays and one Thursday and they were all awesome times. They were great times and i can not wait until I can afford to go out again when the next holidays come around. Gonna be AWESOME (you have to imagine me saying ‘Awesome’ in a high pitch voice trying to sound like an American teenage girl to get the full effect of that final sentence)
Talking of speaking and reading…In a conversation with Charlotte earlier on Facebook, (she’s got a second mention, she’s gonna sleep well tonight) it came up in conversation that I had a C grade in French and a C grade in English Lit & Lang….this means in theory, I am as good at speaking French as I am reading and writing in English technically….weird….cause i’m not very good at writing French! I remember one night in the holidays after a night out displaying my linguistic skills at a friends house round the corner from mine. When i said i was multilingual, i said…
“I can speak German, watch…’Howa Yoooooo!’ (trying to sound like Arnold Shwarzanegger in my head),
I can speak Spanish, watch…” How are yoooooo (trying to sound like Zorro in my head)” 
I did more i think but thats all i remember off the top of my head!
There’s a general election coming up! I don’t care much for politics and am not the best at following the whole Election 2010 campaign…LUCKILY…a group of Taiwanese animators who have nothing better to do then follow British polictics have done an animation of the election race so far so that even i can follow it. It’s definitely worth a watch and looks like its a funny version of the Sims!
Brown, Cameron & Clegg – Who wins? You decide…which one has the PM-Factor?

Would like to also say congratulations to Jemma Selwyn who FINALLY passed her driving test. Jemma today took her 7185th driving test which in itself is an achievement seeing as she has only been legal to drive for 976 days. She turned up to the test centre today and said she felt confident about her test today, something she hadn’t felt for the previous 7184 driving test. Jemma rang her parents after hearing the news she’d passed her test and staright away said without letting her parents even talk on the phone,,,”Mum, Dad, I’ve passed my test!”. Her parents replied, “Sorry, Wrong Number” and hung up. Once Jemma called them back and told them that this wasn’t a joke and it was her, they were all ecstatic. Apparently, she was heard telling her boyfriend, “I’ve been learning for so long and been through so many tests that I feel I have all the components to be a brilliant driver.” When asked if she had a car, she replied, “I have all the components, except for that one.”
But seriously, congratulations Jemma and about bloody time! :-D!
In other news, I would like to wish Aaron Ramsey good luck on his rehabilitation from his leg break, he broke his leg since my last blog and i know he probably won’t read this but whatever.
Also, welcome to the family to Leo Friedman, my new cousin. Will be meeting him in Nottingham in a few weeks for the first time. Just for the record, Leo is my cousin’s new baby son so technically he’s a second cousin but i’ll ignore that.
Was going to mention some of my favourite songs at the moment but this blog has been so long, I can’t be bothered, maybe next blog!
Good to be back peeps!
Write again soon….
Ashley
x




Experimenting….

17 04 2010

So i have not blogged in a while and am now here on WordPress having been told for a while to try it out. I normally use blogger and have not blogged in a while due to a password confusion.

Anyhow…i’m going to be testing this out for a little while and see how this goes.

Nobody is going to be reading this anytime soon because I am not publishing it or sharing this for a while.

This means i can put whatever i want for now. Your are a noob and i am awesome. End of.

Yes, i am random and there is plenty more of randomings to come.

Laters y’all!

(why did i say that…!)





ANOTHER ABNORMAL WEEK FOR MR HANDELAAR

22 02 2010

Another week has gone by in my weird and abnormal life. And here to fill you in with all the latest happenings in the Life and Times of Ashley Handelaar is me, Ashley Handelaar.

WARNING: LOTS OF MUSIC IS MENTIONED IN THIS WEEKS BLOG

So my week started by finding out about the Ashley Cole and Vernon Kaye sext scandals. I’m sorry, but if you had wives at home as hot as Cheryl Cole and Tess Daly, why on Earth would you even look for alternatives and especially some of the ditsy models that are the page 3 models. They are glamour girls, thats all. The reason they’re called glamour girls is because that is all they have going for them. No brains, no personality, no sense of humour, yet they all seem to be ‘business women’. Yeah right! If they do a photo shoot for someone other than Page 3, Zoo or Nuts, apparently they are business women. Good thing they have clever agents and managers…

Vernon Kaye has Tess Daly and two kids. Why would one of the most respected TV hosts in the country jeopardise over a cheap text fling with a page 3 girl, cause he’s a fool. But at least he seemed genuinely sorry over the whole fiasco and even missed his radio slot to be with Tess to discuss things and sort their life out. They look like they’re going to work through this ordeal. If they didn’t, then Vernon may have had to split half of his Family Fortunes with Tess!

Ashley Cole on the other hand, well, its all gone down hill since he left Arsenal. Nobody likes him as a person because although he may be married to one of the hottest women in the country, he still looks around and also sends ‘semi-naked’ pictures to glamour girls. If Cheryl doesn’t leave him now, then she’s the bigger fool in the relationship and my opinion of her will go down a lot.

Cheryl Cole – Fight for this love?…..don’t!

The lesson to be learnt – don’t take a page 3 girl’s phone number!

This last week saw 2 of my favourite days of the year! Tuesday was Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day to all us idiots) and Ash Wednesday! Ash Wednesday? What’s to celebrate on Ash Wednesday your probably thinking. Well, I decided to celebrate me on Ash Wednesday. Last Monday, i told my mum that she had mother’s day to celebrate, i told my dad, he has father’s day to celebrate, but then asked what do I have to celebrate? I claimed Ash Wednesday as my own!

Ash Wednesday morning, about 7:30 in the morning, my parents storm in to my room, turn my light on and shout, “HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY!”…at this time, i was beginning to regret saying anything about Ash Wednesday….but then i saw my dad behind his back was holding a present and a card.

Yes, my parents bought me a card and a present for Ash Wednesday. The card was a birthday card, but inside, instead of saying ‘Happy Birthday’, they crossed out the word ‘Birthday’ and wrote ‘Ash Wednesday’. My first ever Ash Wednesday present from my parents was a large chocolate bar and a gadget magazine, to which i said, “Aww, Thanks, you bought me breakfast and a morning paper”. And it was exactly that, breakfast and i read the magazine in the morning.

Also just want to give a shout out to all of those people who wished me a Happy Ash Wednesday this year. They’re all cool and thanks for going along with it but unfortunately for you all, this will become an annual thing.

Now to some music which I did warn about.

Seeing as I’m going to talk about music, I have to mention one major music event that happened in the last week, The Brit Awards. I don’t want to dwell on them for too long so I will try and sum up them in one paragraph.

-Liam Gallagher is a douchebag and Peter Kaye was right to call him a ‘dickhead’ live on air after the whole award tossing incident. I thought Liam would be good at throwing the microphone and award in the crowd seeing as he is a tosser.
-Lady Gaga looked bizarre as usual and everyone was thinking the same about her performance, “If only she sung something we all knew!”
-Cheryl Cole is an awful at miming and looked like Michael Jackson a little bit.
-Tom from Kasabian falling over on stage and falling flat on his bum was funny.
-Robbie Williams set at the end of the show was awesome. He started off slowly but once he got in his groove, he was amazing. Robbie Williams is a legend.

Cheryl Cole – Never thought I’d say there’s a Michael Jackson-esque look to her…
Lil’ Jon is back! And this time he is without his beloved Eastside Boys. I think the British/European music scene is running off on the American’s finally. Here in the UK now, most good songs in recent times have 

had a catchy-dance beat in the background and musicians have done their thing over the top. This has led to DJ’s being more in demand to produce those beats. Lil’ Jon, although not referencing whoever produced the background beat in his new track, has finally got the message. His new songs is called “Give It All You Got/Taking Over”. It features a singer called Kee and is being released here and in the US. However, one catch, in the UK, the track features the UK’s own, Tinchy Stryder, and in the US, I’ve heard, he’s not on it. Whether this is true or not, i don’t know but below is the song, let me know what you think. Here’s the official video, WITHOUT Tinchy Stryder.


Lil Jon ft. Kee – Give It All You Got/Taking Over

I’ve been doing some thinking, now it’s always random when i think but bare with me. For the last 3 years, America have unleashed one weird singer to the world. In 2007, America unleashed for a second time Kelly Clarkson, the singer who won the original American Idol and seems to not sing but scream every single song. In 2008, America unleashed Katy Perry to the world with her debut song about kissing women. Although kinky and kinda hot, the media damned it but luckily she seems normal now, despite being engaged to Russell Brand. In 2009, America unleashed one of the most bizarre people to record a song, Lady Gaga. She has a fashion sense that even blind people wouldn’t want to be seen in. Although producing countless chart hits and several pop anthems, she seems very perculiar and has a rather unusual personality and mind set. There was even rumour of her being a hamathrodite as well. 
Anyhow, this year, Them crazy Americans have let loose a singer by the name of Kesha, or as she spells it, Ke$ha. You may be thinking what i’m thinking, “Some American’s have enough problem spelling using just letters, don’t start including symbols in to words too!”. Ke$ha claims to live her life as one big party and claims to go out every night she can and get drunk and not care where she ends up. She is looney. Her first single ‘TiK ToK’ was high on the UK charts and may have even been number one if I cared to look it up. The first line of the song, “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy” and in the video she is getting out of a bath tub she has been sleeping in. I have never woken out of  bath feeling like P Diddy and I don’t think anybody in the world knows what it’s like to feel like P Diddy apart from Sean Combes himself. 
(Sean Combes is P Diddy, Diddy, Puff Daddy, P Daddy, Puff Diddy, Puff Diddy P, whatever he calls himself now)
I was watching a music video the other day for Jason Derulo’s ‘In My Head’ song, and wondered to myself, how many songs can i think of that have been shot inside or outside a supermarket/convenience/drug store. I don’t know what was so cool about them so just wondered why a few people filmed in and outside them. Here is the list i made with a bit of help from some of my friends on Facebook.
Inside Store Only:
The Mavericks – Dance the Night Away
Kid Cudi – Day N Nite
Rage Against the Machine – Prayer for the Refugee
Outside Store Only:
Jason Derulo – In My Head
Justin Timberlake – Like I Love You
Inside & Outside Store:
Michael Buble – Haven’t Met You Yet
Either briefly shown in video:
Lonely Island – Jizz In My Pants
Gwen Stefani – Sweet Escape


Kid Cudi – Day N Nite

I don’t see why people film music videos, in or around supermarkets. It has no signinicant meaning, its not a metaphor for anything, its just somewhere people go to get food and stuff. I can understand filming a video in a park because it can be romantic, can be fun, lots going on in a park. I can understand filming in a house because people’s houses are different and all rooms have different tones that can be set. Why on Earth supermarkets? Nowhere says romance like Asda, nowhere says companionship like Waitrose, nowhere ever has the place to be singing about a hard life ever been so true as Tesco’s.
That’s all for music, just a couple of quick mentions to 2 of my favourite films that were on TV this week. They are Dodgeball and Step Brothers. They are just 2 classic comedy films and anybody who hasn’t seen them really should!

Some clips from Dodgeball


The infamous and hilarious bunk beds scene from Step Brothers

Finally, just a quick reflection on the Winter Olympics. Firstly, congratulations to Amy Williams who won Team GB’s only medal to date. To me this says, Team GB don’t just go out and win any medal, we only settle for the best and if it means only one GOLD, then so be it. Secondly, just wanted to point out that there was a skier for Germany called Andreas Wank (Google it, it’s true).
Also, just wanted to say, I’ve now watched the curling and noticed they were sweeping the floor as the curling stones are going down the ice. I thought to myself, why don’t they just give the ice a good wash before the match starts, then they won’t need to sweep the ice as the match is going!
That’s all for now…
just make sure you remember, 
“a day without laughter is a day wasted” – Charlie Chaplin




9 LONG LONG DAYS AND PLENTY TO REPORT

14 02 2010

As i start writing this, 2 things occur to me. Firstly, nobody has asked for a shout out this blog which i guess means i can get down to what i want to talk about a lot quicker. Secondly, how annoying is that damn Haribo advert with that stupid little kid that’s been showing on TV for the last God knows how many years! This isn’t something random, it’s just on TV as I started writing this…for the purpose of those who may have forgotten this advert, i will do my best to tell the story of the advert whilst adding my personal thoughts in their too.

The advert starts with the kid questioning his dad about the allegations over the consumption of all the fried egg haribo’s. The dad then screws up the ‘confession’ paper and then the kid calls in his sister to act as the hard cop to help get the confession out the father. “Alright Sunshine!” yells the little girl who looks about as threatening as if you were getting mugged by Stephen Hawking.  The young girl proceeds to march up to the table to which her dad is sat at. She says with some conviction, “SIGN THE FESSION”….its CONfession you dumb child. The then says “Look into my eyes” and sounds like she is reading the piece of cardboard holding up the words “Look into my eyes” cause she is probably not clever enough to remember more than the 5 words she’s said already. The dad then ‘signs’ the confession and admits he ate the fried eggs. if truth be told, in the time of this advert taking place, he could have easily said, i’ll buy you another packet, after all, they cost £2 if that…stupid misleading advert.

The advert which I hate so much…

First rant of the week…American Football and the Superbowl.
Now, I will openly admit I do not care about American Football. But what annoys me most is people who will watch the Superbowl and pretend they like american football. I asked a couple of people who watched the Superbowl why they were watching it and they said it was because like American Football. When i asked them how many other games they had watched, they both said “I’ve seen a couple but never watched it the whole way through, but it’s Superbowl so I HAVE to watch it!”…No you don’t….If you have seen a couple in your entire lifetime, you cannot like it that much, not as if there is a lack of it on TV or the Internet. I also that if they could not watch the whole match, why would Superbowl be different, it’s the same rules as all other matches, just with The Who performing half way through…It’s like saying I quite like football, never seen a whole match but I will watch the FA Cup final. I have a point.
Also, I hate how people watched the Superbowl and all of a sudden they’re an expert in the sport and the teams. More like they Googled the teams semi-final results and so on.  And all of a sudden, people who don’t watch american football are watching and saying that their favourite teams in the match. No they’re not…I bet you couldn’t even name 5 of their players! Or for that matter, name 5 teams in the same league! Also…What a coincidence, everybody watching this year just happens to be a Saints or Colts fan, the same people who may of watched all, or part of or even boycotted last years game, when they just happened to support either the Steelers or Cardinals!…by the way, i had to Google the participants of last years and this years Superbowl’s cause that’s how much i couldn’t care.
It’s not even “real football”, its American, which means holding an egg shaped ball in your hands. At least with rugby, its an egg shaped ball and make up a name for the sport and the ball and don’t copy another sports slang and name! Anyhow, they should just change the name of the sport, it can’t be called football when they run round holding it in their hands!
American Football – could do with being renamed…

In other news, this week, Google launched their new social network, Google Buzz. Anybody with a Gmail account will automatically have an accoutn as it will be built in to their Gmail. You can link it with Facebook, Twitter, Picasso and so on. You can do Buzz’s about anything you want like when you update your status or post a tweet. But also, you acn keep up to date with all your social networks in one. Another feature of Google Buzz is that you can post links to websites and photos and choose what photos from the website or pictures you posted appear and they all appear in a big, user friendly window on the screen. I though this was kind of cool. Also you can buzz about certain places, so if for example, you post a Buzz about a restaurant, other people cans ee your Buzz about that restaurant. Another cool feature is you can see on Google Maps people who have Buzzed around you so you can see who has been posting what and see what is going on locally…. I like the thought of Google Buzz but have a feeling that because it’s Google doing a social network, it’s not going to take off. I’m trying it out and have no problems apart from not enough people i know are on it which doesn’t make using it any easier.

Google Buzz – Nice try, better luck next year..?

Heard a great new song over the last few days and it’s stuck in my head. it’s by a guy called McLean, the songs called ‘My Name’. It’s got a dancey beat in the background and has him singing over the top in a soft slow spoken way. Its sort of like Taio Cruz, but if he sang more soulfully. I think it will be big and will be buying when it’s realeased on iTunes. The video for the song is below…give it a listen if you haven’t heard it before. (or even if you ahve and like the song, listen again if you wish).
McLean – My Name .. released 8th March

Other news from this week, you may have heard that from ‘next Autumn’, (Whenever that is, God forbid Channel 4 use normal dates like rest of the world)  Friends is being cancelled. This means it will no longer be shown on Channel 4, Channel 4+1, E4, E4+1, More 4, More 4+1, Film 4, Film 4+1 or whatever other channels Channel 4 have. After over 15 years on the network, it will stop being shown. Don’t be upset though, it is only changing network! From ‘next Autumn’, (again..no idea when that is) people will be able to find Ross, Rachel, Phobe, Joey, Monica and Chandler on Comedy Central (and Comedy Central +1).

Now to REAL FOOTBALL….2 things to quickly say. 1.Portsmouth, bye bye. As much as i would love to see them stay in business, i personally think they’re doomed. 2. I know this week, Notts County Football Club were bought out and on their 3rd owners of the season. But what i did not realise is that they were bought last week for £1! If i knew that Notts County cost only a pound, I would have bought them! The best thing about this is, if the guy bought them with a fiver, he would have got change from buying a professional football club!

You lucky people, you get to sit through a second rant this blog…what about this time? Somethign important like the economy? Maybe international affairs? Maybe about Gordon Brown? Or maybe something in the news like John Terry and Ashley Cole? The £56milion lottery winner from UK?…nope….none of the above, infact my next rant is about…yep..you guessed it….

TREE SURGEONS!!!

Why on Earth are they called Tree Surgeons! They are not real surgeons. The Oxford Dictionary says..
Surgeon- a medical practitioner qualified to practise surgery – Now personally, I’m not keen on the whole idea of someone practising surgery, to me, that’s just some doctors sat in a room playing Operation.


Anyhow, how do Tree Surgeons even qualify as surgeons based on that descriptions, they don’t do anything medical to do with trees let alone perform surgery on them. They aren’t even real surgeons. If i was in a room and about to be operated on for, lets say, eye surgery…when being introduced to the team, the last thing i would want to know is the guy cutting my eye open is a ‘tree surgeon’. I would be scared shitless!


All tree surgeons do is trim trees. they remove branches, make trees look pretty and cut them down. I’ve come up with a new name for tree surgeons….i think they should be called Tree Trimmers. More catchy, more friendly and more importantly, more to the point of what they do.

Finally, a couple of short stories…firstly, for Valentines Day, my dad got my mum a new ring. he gave it to her a few days early because he wanted to give the ring to her as soon as he could. I heard my dad the other day, on the phone to his friend. here’s what he said whilst discussing the ring.

“I gave her a ring for Valentines, she loves it and wears it everywhere, its like stuck to her finger…no really, it’s stuck to her finger, its a size to small!”

Last thing…why is it whenever you buy a lottery ticket, you always feel like you’re going to win it, even though  you most likely will not because thousands of people have bought tickets and are trying to match predicted numbers to little balls coming out of a machine…that’s the lottery aspect of the game and how they make their money.

That’s all for now… new blog coming soon i hope, got to find some stuff to write about.

In the mean time, here’s a quote i found which i think is a good way to sign off this blog.

“A day without laughter, is a day wasted”  – Charlie Chaplin





Happy Friday :-)

5 02 2010

I know what your thinking, firstly, how do i turn off that annoying sound. That would be my new iPod touch widget on the right of this…looks cool. Just to let you know it’s set to shuffle, so there’s a few songs that could potentially play when you load the page, and you can use it like a normal iPod touch to a certain degree.


OK, so, let’s press on, firstly, i have a few friends whose birthday is today, so happy birthday too Charlotte, Nathan and James…hope you have a great birthday and celebrate well. 🙂


Another shout out to a man who calls himself the ‘Late Night HTML’er’…and sorry ladies, he’s taken, and also very bad at thinking up “cool” nicknames, its Justin Lee.


Next, I have been told to do a paragraph on a friend whose name is Cassie Bloom, she wanted a shout out and a paragraph on herself on my blog and a photo of her to go with it. So, here it is. Just wanted to mention too that she is an blonde Essex girl and doesn’t help the classic stereotype of Essex girls with her inability to pronounce certain words which I personally find a little amusing, and we have joked about this a few times before. I decided to find a good picture of her to put up and if your reading this lads, she is single. Here’s a picture of her, just so you can now match a face to this description.

Cassie Bloom – single and wants you 😉


DOWN TO BUSINESS!!! – First thing to mention, fresh from the press, the whole John Terry sex scandal…only one good thing has come out of all of this, a couple of great jokes. 

Joke 1 – Fabio Capello, rang up Wayne Bridge to tell him John Terry’s lost the captains arm band, Fabio then asks Wayne Bridge if he can have a look under his bed for it. 🙂

Joke 2 – Ashley Cole was caught speeding last week. When the officer pulled him over and asked why he was doing the speed he was, Ashley replied, “I heard that John Terry’s car is outside my house” 🙂

And now Fabio Capello has decided that it is right that Rio Ferdinand is made captain with Steven Gerrard as vice captain. So just to clarify, Teery has been stripped of captaincy because of his imperfect private life, and his replacement is a player who has failed a drugs test and just been caught smashing a guy in the head in a match, and the new vice captain was caught beating a guy up in a bar because of the music the bar was playing. Where on Earth is the logic in all of this?!

Next thing to address in my blog is, well,  blogging. When i put out that i have a new blog, some people have decided that blogs are gay and stupid. What i say to them is, until you’ve read my blog, you can’t judge. Alot of major bands, actors, writers, celebrities blog, but are they gay..? Well a few might actually be legitimately gay but thats not my point. My point is that just because i blog and i like it, apparently, i’m gay or my blogs are gay. All the reviews i’ve had on my blogs have been positive and really nice, so to those people who read my blogs and say nice things, thank you and i just hope you continue to read until this whole blog fad wears off. Or i lose my fingers, but preferably because of the first reason if any were to occur.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make, I’m addicted to Vistaprint. I have seen countless offers advertising free things such as tshirts, pens, business cards, stamps, etc and i have ordered all of these. My only problem, none of it has arrived yet. Most of it is die to arrive next week and week after but I am still waiting for my official Ashley Handelaar tshirt. And when it arrives, i will post a picture up of it, because it contains trademark, Ashley wit and sarcasm. 

Next, those dumb twins from Ireland, Jedward. Although in name they sound like a tag team from Star Wars, (well they do to me at least), they manged to get a record deal from Louis Walsh and managed to get Vanilla Ice on their debut single which is their performance from X-factor. Very original. According to a couple of websites, Vanilla has come out and said he is using them to get publicity for his comeback this year and to make more singles this year. Jedward on Jonathan Ross were so annoying last week. I felt the urge to kill myself half way through their interview. They are a couple of twins who believe their own hype and genuinly feel they can be bonified popstars. They can’t. The fact that Louis offered them a record deal still baffles me. 

What is even funnier is that when Simon Cowell was ill for the Britains Got Talent auditions, he made Louis Walsh stand in for him. Louis Walsh judging talent? This is the same man who signed up Jedward to a record deal and keeps putting out new Westlife CD’s of ‘original material’. They haven’t sung their own stuff since midway through last decade! What’s even worse is Jedward might actually be number one! AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!

Jedward – February’s Flavour of the Month

Quick note to fans of Family Guy, The spin off, the Cleveland Show is coming to E4…don’t watch it. Well, you can if you want but it is no where near as good as family guy, the new characters are not even funny either. I have seen the first 5 episodes of the new series and gave up watching because it’s awful. The only good thing about it is the theme tune. Apart from that, your wasting your own time. In fact, i can save you wasting your time. Here’s the theme for the Cleveland Show!


30 Seconds of your life I have just saved you

Finally, as some of you may know, last year, i applied for a job I had no chance of getting, the Watford manager’s job. Needless to say i did not get it or i would not be sat here now. ANYWAY! I decided, this year, i am going to go for another job i have no chance of getting. A job in a different history. In the coming week and so on, i will be preparing a letter and CV to send off to the BBC for this years job Ashley won’t get. Why? Because I am applying to replace Jonathan Ross’ show when he leaves the BBC! Yes, I am pitching for a TV show. I will be preparing something to send off as soon as possible and when i find the time.



That’s all for now, hope you enjoyed!

x




Been a busy few days…

2 02 2010

Usually when writing this blog, i have one or two things on my mind to write about but for some reason, i have found around ten things to mention, including a mate from university who wants his name mentioned. So to get him out the way. Luke Das. Done. One down, quite a bit to go.

All i ask is you be patient whilst reading as this will probably be the longest blog i’ve done. To try and make it more enjoyable, i’ll try an include a few pictures for the first time. And if that fails, then, keep reading. If you don’t read the rest of this blog, then you’ve wasted 3 minutes of your time reading up to this bit and not knowing the rest, and after all, you wouldn’t start a book and not finish it.

So, number one. Last Monday, just very quickly, i would like people to know that at half 3-4am, i was left stranded in South Oxhey on a night out from Watford. Note to self, book a cab or go to a cab firm when getting a cab back. I asked to go home in a cab and he misses about 2 turnings and then pulls over claiming he’s broken down. Not good times, was bloody freezing.

Number two thing on the agenda, my mum’s rear car window. For some reason, it smashed last Friday after some vandal smashed it, and with it being a convertible, it needed a new roof, just to get a new window. Now, i’m a fan of convertibles (Not my mums but that’s not the point), so i was thinking, maybe if i “accidentally” smashed my back window and “accidentally” damaged my roof…..Fiat Punto Convertible? 🙂

Number three, I had a meeting with my university sort of ‘head of department’. He told me i’m on the wrong course and that i should change courses for next year. Now, i’m all for changing courses, but can i be bothered to start from first year? Hell Yeah! I don’t mind be a fresher again…or as many people call them, Re-Freshers. I may be 20 for next year at university (*correction- i will be 20 for next year at university, i’ve decided i will definitely have a birthday this year*) but a lot of my friends at university are older than me so it can’t be that bad. Just to choose course and possibly even , at what university… it’s like being a free agent in the football transfer window 🙂

Number four….sweet sweet Gabriella Cilmi. Now i say she’s sweet but according to her song, there’s nothing sweet about her. I beg to differ. I added the 18 year old singer on Facebook having been a fan since her first single. I then plucked up the courage to write a nice little fan letter. i didn’t have my hopes up on getting a reply. However, a few short hours later, Gabriella Cilmi replied to me and addressed the items mentioned in my letter. All i have to say is fair play. She is now not only ridiculously hot, but also appears to care for her fans and seems very friendly. I still think she’s hot and now i know she’s friendly too, i think i like her more 🙂

Gabriella Cilmi –  The best thing out of Australia since Fosters and Walkabout

Item number 4 to mention, i’ve started writing down stuff i say now. I’ve thought that if i put my mind to it, I could write comedy, somehow or in some form. People have been telling me to do it for years, either being serious or as a joke but nevertheless, i have started jotting down odd jokes and observations. If this develops anywhere, people who read the blog will hear first 🙂
Skins is at number 5. (Sounds like a chart countdown LOL) I hate the show. I was forced in to watching the first show of the what was apparently, and i quote, “Highly Anticipated New Series”. Bullsh*t! I was forced to watch this nonsense. It was effectively one hour of what i can only describe as ‘glorified porn’. In Skins, i noticed that nobody can just kiss without going the whole way. Even in a hospital room. Sex in a hospital? That’s original! NOT! And a dumb move from E4 was to stick the episode of Friends where Chandler and Monica have sex in the hospital on an hour before Skins. 
Skins is meant to be something teens relate to and based on real life. The only way this show can be based on real life events is if these kids went to school in a brothel! Skins, in case you couldn’t tell, i’m not impressed. There was even a fight scene in a  pub where one guy went to hit the other and very clearly missed and the sound effect kicked in. Also, the opening scene, a young girl supposedly stoned jumping of a rail from the top floor of a night club. Nobody stopped her, which in real life, somebody would, and also, miraculously, everybody dancing around the spot where she fell, moved out the way. Honestly, who when dancing, stares up three floors in case somebody might be falling on them, and then somehow, manages to alert 20 other people dancing around them to move, without causing a fuss and manages to tell the right people to form a gap in the dance floor where this girl can fall exactly in to.
Here’s the video i found of this little section, let me know what you think…
OK, so before i get even more annoyed at the lame excuse channel 4, call a ‘hit tv show’, i’m moving on to number 6.  Quick shout out… Got Mr Hudson and Tinchy Stryder coming to my university, if anybody wants to go, give me a shout and i will try and get tickets. Mr Hudson tickets are £15, Tinchy Stryder tickets are £10. Mr Hudson is supported my Jamie Archer from X-Factor and both are doing a signing before the show apparently.

Number seven, i was very confused at work a few weeks ago. A man came in the office where i work for a meeting with other people. I can’t name any more details but what I can say is he if possibly one of the most cultured people i have ever met. Get ready for this. He is an Iraqi who has been living in Holland and has come to England to open an Italian restaurant. My first reaction was “Wow!”. Second reaction, he talks funny. I’ve never met an Iraqi who speaks English with a Dutch accent…something very different.

8! Jason Derulo. He stormed to the top of the charts with his debut single ‘Watcha Say’. He has a new song coming out which i will google soon, but, when asking people what the name of Jason Derulo’s first song, you can have a lot of fun. My friend Adam Handelsman fell for the same joke FOUR times this last week. The joke was effectively as follows:

Ashley: Hey, what was the name of Jason Derulo’s first song?
Adam: Watcha Say
Ashley: What was the name of his first song?!
Adam: Watcha Say!
Ashley: Listen carefully, what was the name of Jason Derulo’s first song…
and it goes on until he gets the joke and realises that ‘Watcha Say’ sounds like ‘ What D’ya/Cha/You Say?’

The song that makes you question yourself, literally…

Number 9, We are officially out of the recession! This is good news as maybe i could get a job now…(if we’re being extremely optimistic!) But we are out of the recession because we have gone up by 0.1% this year! But that brings the question, what is the 0.1% that got us out of recession. I can now reveal, that it was indeed I, that got the country out of recession. It’s because I bought a KitKat and said to the guy, keep the change from my 50p i paid with, we are out of recession, and that 4p has got us out of recession. To celebrate, I went wild, i thought, instead of buying a Mars bar like i would have done in the recession, I’ll buy a Mars Duo! yeah! We’re in the money!

Item 10 on the list. I heard about a hotel this week called the “Atlantis Hotel”. Atlantis Hotel? Where’s that?! In the ocean?! That got me thinking, how would a hotel operate if it were underwater. Firstly, you couldn’t get a taxi to the hotel, you’d have to go via dolphin. Just hold the fins and they dive down to the hotel entrance!

Also, All rooms would have a sea view! There would be lots of activities at the hotel which you could DIVE straight in to! For dinner, starters, salmon, main course, lobster, desert, crab cakes! And my favourite one, the people who clean the rooms? Mermaids!

The Real Atlantis Hotel in Dubai….WOW!

That’s pretty much all I have to say for this week, will blog again next week with all my latest goings on, and if nothings going on, I will try to make something happen.

x